Monday, June 21, 2010

This Book Is Gratuitous Overkill But I Secretly Want to Read It

Did the world really need a cookbook based on the Twilight series?

That's a rhetorical question, obviously.

Everything about this cookbook cracks me up even though I haven't actually seen it in person.  Yet.  You know I am running out to buy this little gem as soon as possible.  I must confess - I have a weakness for anything related to vampire stories set in high school. (Buffy! Greatest tv show EVER! I highly suggest you buy all seven seasons on DVD and watch every episode in chronological order, then watch them again with the commentary.  I promise it will be a life changing experience.) And I totally love Twilight.  Me and my friend Christine stayed up all night reading Breaking Dawn after waiting at the bookstore for hours before the midnight release.  We walked around looking like zombies with circles under our eyes for the next two days but it was completely worth it. And we will be at the movie theatre watching Eclipse next week. Us and all the 12 year girls and their moms.

But I digress.

As I was saying, this cookbook is hysterical. I mean, look at the title: The Unofficial Twilight Cook Book Love at First Bite.  Ooh, First Bite. How clever. Whatever.  It's the "Unofficial" part that really gets me, like there's going to be, or could be, an Official Twilight Cookbook sanctioned by Summit Entertainment, the studio behind this entire phenomenon.  How big can that corporate merchandising machine possibly become? Seeing as how there are Twilight t-shirts (acceptable), Twilight underwear (pervy), Twilight party supplies (eating cake off of Edward's face does seem kind of awesome), Twilight contact lenses (creepy and probably not FDA approved) and Twilight wine from the Vampire Wine Society (seriously, I didn't make that one up), a cookbook doesn't seem quite so weird. 

Let's see what other people have to say about this.  Here's Cary's review on Amazon:
Hello, I was very dissapointed ... very. I thought that this cookbook would teach me how to cook for my boyfriend, but instead it pretty much made him dump me. The reason, well, most of the reason, was because of the Team Edward Tacos. It says that they are supposed to be "glittery" and "dazzle" your guests, but it didn't tell me how it was supposed to be glittery with just ground beef and or lettuce.  
First of all, Edward is a vegetarian! So, IDK why there is a beef rendition ... that would seem more like Team Jacob ... which is totally not cool with us Team Edwarders. Anyway, that is beside the point. 
So, I did what it said, and put some glitter in it, and I also only put in lettuce because Edward doesn't eat beef. My boyfriend was all choking and stuff and thought I was stupid when I showed him the cook book. 
Also, it doesn't even tell you how to make the heart in the apple ... and I was all like WTF?! 
Anyway, I think that the recipes were pretty not so great, especially when they all made twilight puns that didn't even happen in the movie ... like it says the Team Jacob lasagna will "tattoo your face with taste", but that didn't happen, and Jacob doesn't even have a tattoo on his face. Then I was thinking that the lasagna would fur-splode! but it didn't and the book was saying that it was a lasagna to "be-WERE" of, but IDK what that meant when the lasagna can't become a were-lasagna like the book made it sound like. 
IDK, I was just really confused and I couldn't pronounce most of the words ... which was not to cool when I love to read about Twighlight.

Wow, Cary.  That sucks. I hope you two can work it out.  If Bella and Edward can overcome the Volturi, an army of newborn vampires, werewolves and the highest risk pregnancy that the world has ever seen, then maybe you and your guy can overcome a meatless glittery taco.  Have faith. 

I don't know, kids.  This doesn't look promising. Even I, a professed Twilight fan and cookbook lover, am having a hard time not thinking that this cookbook is absolutely ridiculous.  Oh, and guess what-  there's another one. Sigh.

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